why can’t I just be one of those tall and skinny girls who can do any sport and be taken seriously? why can’t I be comfortable with myself for once ever…
I feel so out of control of my own life. I hate school cheer. I hate the practice. I hate the level or seriousness my coach gives it- when in reality there is none at all. I hate how much she despises me, no matter what I do or volunteer to help with. I can’t tumble. I never will. I get confused, its who I am. I hate that my family is actually not allowing me to go to college. they want me to go to community college. I hate that I’m in hours and hours of cosmetology to get my license to cut hair. and the funny thing is…I hate hair. I hate cutting it, curling it, styling it. I hate it. I hate that I’m working and no matter what cheer will get in the way and keep me from work, the only thing I have to defend my college argument. and I hate how much I love stunting and competing. and how much I love football. and I just want to be in control. but I can’t. because I’m absolutely 100% fucked no matter what.
I clean for myself. I cook for myself. I pay for my own gas. I work every day and every weekend morning. I study alone. me and my boyfriend pay for what we need to. I get good grades. you are not going to make me feel bad. you are not going to make me feel like shit about ANYTHING at all. and you sure as hell aren’t holding me back from college. you are not. stop wondering why I have anxiety and depression meds because I don’t believe in myself or anything else. because its your own damn fault for making me feel like I’m so much less. I’m fanfuckingtastic.
